Polish Ham: There is nothing to fear but fear itself--and maybe Poland.

I didn't write yesterday. I was just plain tired.

I love it here, I really do. And I love my classes and the Germans and the whirlwind of activities and dinners and nights out. But I feel like I have been running so fast--just going, going, going--and getting very little sleep that now I feel like I have hit a brick wall and all I want to do is stop and relax.

The thing about Poland is that I cannot relax. If I were in New York City and feeling this way, I would have no problem putting on pajamas, ordering a pizza, watching TV and napping on the couch. Here, taking a nap seems forbidden. There's a voice inside my head that says, "You’re all the way in Krakow and you want to NAP?"

Yesterday, I tried to take it easy, but it is so hard to relax here. Nothing comes easy, every little thing requires thought, so I am always outside of my comfort zone. I suppose I could go to the apartment and watch television--if I could figure out how to turn it on. I have been in this apartment so two weeks now, and every few days I get inspired to push every button on the television and the two remotes and absolutely nothing happens. Yes, it is plugged in. (And I thought the washing machine fiasco was bad).

It's not just the TV. I try to make a phone call. It doesn't go through. I spend a half an hour trying repeatedly. I have to purchase contact solution. I go to a store that looks like a drug store. It has shampoo and cosmetics and shaving cream, but there is no contact solution. I decide to go to the pharmacy. They tell me that it's not sold there either. Turns out you go to the optician for contact solution and it costs $16 for a bottle. It took me hours to figure this out.

So far, I have not been homesick. Sure, I miss Dan, my friends, my family, and I have been craving scrambled eggs. But on days like this, I do miss that absolute comfort of being home, of being by myself, of knowing that the drug store with my $10 bottle of contact solution is right down the street. There I don't have to worry about the little things. Here, everything is an adventure. Sometimes it is exhilarating, sometimes it absolutely sucks.

The last two days I have also felt a little down in the dumps because the Germans are leaving and through them, I do find some comfort. Yesterday, we took exams (I got a 90%) and today we had a good-bye party. It seems strange that I will return next week for a second session while all the rest of my friends will return to their normal lives.

I am sure the new group of students that start on Monday will be wonderful in their own way, and I have to remind myself that this trip is all about meeting new people. Soon, I won't even have the classes to depend on for making friends.

People have told me that I am "brave" for doing a trip like this and back in the States, it was hard for me to understand why they said this. But now I know. I feel afraid all the time. I am scared to be without company. I am scared to ask the cashier a question. I am scared to get lost. I am scared what's going to happen today, tomorrow, two weeks from now, when I get back home.

But what I am discovering is that despite all this discomfort and this fear of the unknown, I just keep going. And there is no place I would rather be. So far, everything has worked out for the absolute best.