There's something in the water.

Cheers!

Karlovy Vary is a spa town on the western part of the Czech Republic, which I thought would be a nice, relaxing stop after walking up and down the streets of Prague for the last six days. I was envisioning an oasis in the middle of nowhere, a posh, upscale little town, miles of nature walks and spas where I can sit and be rubbed and scrubbed and pampered for hours.

When I stepped off the bus, I was greeted with a rundown bus station, a McDonald's and a giant supermarket.

Looking at the map, the town looked small, so I decided to walk to my hostel. Big mistake. While it wasn't a long walk, my hostel is on top of a hill that is San Francisco-worthy. Walking up it with my hundred pounds of belongings was torturous. Halfway through, I bumped into a bunch of construction workers. I stopped to take a breather and ask one if I was heading the right way. He pointed straight up the hill. I trudged along, stopping again to take a break. I could hear the construction worker yelling, "Keep going!" When I got to the top, I had completely soaked through my shirt with sweat.

The girl at the hostel suggested that I take an apartment I could have all to myself. It cost more, but not too much more. At that point, she could have suggested I sleep in the doghouse. I said yes, sure, whatever, just GET THIS BAG OFF ME! I got to the room (which of course was on the fourth and top floor of a walk-up building) and it was bigger than my New York City apartment. It was more than I needed, more than I wanted to spend, but fine, I'll take it.

I wandered back down the hill (waving to the construction guys) and got some lunch. I decided on this Italian place and since I was so hot, I decided to sit outside, which was my second mistake of the day because I was freezing in ten minutes. The menu was written in every language possible, but not in any consistent order, so I ended up ordering from the Italian menu. The ravioli I got had the pastiest white sauce ever (so much for spa food) and they charged me for the olive oil they placed on my table even though I didn't use any.

This place was strange. Most of the signs were written in either Czech or Russian, and most of the people seemed to be one or the other. I had read that this town was supposed to be luxurious. While it did get considerable nicer away from the bus station, I wasn't sure who would consider this place all that posh. I walked by jewelry store after jewelry store selling ugly and gaudy jewelry, a wig store, clothing stores selling leather outfits and fur hats. Spa treatments were advertised here and there, but the signs scared me. They spoke of "medical cures" and "laser treatments" and showed pictures of ugly naked people taking part in dubious treatments, like the one I saw of a woman standing in a random silver cylinder with a big smile on her face.

The biggest deal about Karlovy Vary is the spring water. It is available all over town, at community drinking stations, and it is supposed to be very good for your digestion. You can buy a little cup to drink the water at the souvenir shops. The cups are made of glass, and they look like a little flask. Some have a handle or nozzle. I saw so many people holding these cups, filling them up at these random water fountains around town, that I decided that I needed to participate.

I bought the baby-sized cup (it even has a cartoon character on it), walked to a fountain and I tested the water. I don't know what to compare it to, but I imagine that dirty pennies in a warm cup of water tastes similar. It was nasty. I looked around to see if anyone was looking, and I dumped the rest of the water out in the river.

Everyone else seemed oblivious to the fact that the water tasted bad. I wandered into an ugly, communist style building thinking it was a museum of something, but instead inside was a giant room filled with springs and miserable-looking people filling their cups in fountains, sitting on benches and drinking. That's when I decided that they must filter drugs in there or something.

I went to one of the main spas to sign up for some appointments for tomorrow. I was really excited about the idea about spending the day in the spa. Most spa treatments here are prescribed by a spa doctor and people stay for weeks, but you can arrange some day appointments as well. The woman said that there was not much available for tomorrow.

I arranged for a partial massage and a mud bath.

"They are 15 minutes each," the girl said.

"You mean fifty?"

"No, 15. Like 1-5."

What miracle cure can you possibly do in 15 minutes?

Well, that sounds like a relaxing…half-hour. Wonder what else tomorrow will bring.

Pick a cup, any cup.



The room of miserable water drinkers.



One of the scary spa ads.



Karlovy Vary-pretty from a distance.